stepping on a glass floor

I've always been careful in everything. I tend to hold back at the last minute, thinking everything over again before making the leap. I think too much about everything. I lack spontaneity. All these are my bad traits, I know that, but somehow I just tend to be uber conservative with my decisions. With love, it was the same thing, I looked at things not just in its' emotional sense, but also the logical. I think long-term. I imagined how it would be if we did end up together. It was not really the life I would expect myself to be in, nor is it the type of family my parents would want me to be marrying into. Not that the family is bad or anything, its just that they're complicated compared to how my family is, which would be easily described as close-knit, warm and caring. Anyway, I chose to let go. It hurt, but I'm surviving. I told myself that this decision would be for the best. But I'm thinking, is this one of those times I held back again? Should I have stayed on a little longer?



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Time has been extremely fast. It's been more than a month since my grandma passed away. The whole family still misses her. I still tear up at times when I think about how this Christmas she won't be beside us. It also hurts that of all the Christmas celebrations, I never thought of taking pictures. Now, all we have are memories in our head and nothing that will actually show us the look on Ama's face when she opened her presents or when she saw us opening ours or when her grandchildren were all receiving ang-pao's from her.

looking back...looking forward

The past month can be summed up with one word...numbness. I think I said this in my previous entry. We were just going through everyday life without really thinking about anything. We were trying really hard to make everything seem normal, but we all can't deny that our lives will never be the same again. The past two weeks has been full of reflection, planning, contemplating, reminiscing and discussing. What are we going to do? Where are we going to go? Questions like that kept on coming up. No one wanted to give an answer to that. It really hurt whenever someone would open that topic. It almost seemed that everyone in the family was going to part ways. The past few days, I've been thinking about pushing through with the GMAT and my MBA applications. I might do part-time study for the first year, so that I will be able to get experience working abroad while I do my studies. I figure that work will be different even with whatever experience I've had here in Manila. Although I admit, working at BoC has been very helpful. It's hectic, but I learn a lot. But seriously, I don't want to be in branch banking all my life. Being a frontliner is fun, but there are times, where interaction can be too much and I just want to be in my own world. I'd still rather be an analyst or do research.


I would like to say thank you to everyone that offered their prayers in this hard time. It helps a lot knowing that people are there for me when I need cheering up.