it's saturday night...and am home

Not that that's new, but I wanted to go out today. I was already excited for it. But then, the monthly visitor came, and I've got a bad case of cramps again. Grrr...So, now am sitting here in front of my laptop, doing work, talking to my cousin over Skype and organizing a summer camp while my friends are out. hahaha sour-graping again :P

Although, I feel that I accomplished some stuff this afternoon. I at least finished the division of tasks for the talk next Sunday, and have all the posts filled up.

There's so much going on in my life right now. And it's so hard figuring out which to start on first. There's work, BLIA YAD, family and friends. Each has its own sublist of things to do. WAAAAH!

I think I can, I think I can...that's my mantra now.

I'm praying that I come out of this in one piece. Thank you to everybody for keeping up with me, and for understanding my extremely late reaction when you talk to me and for the times I look like I might bite them when they ask for something. Thank you also to my newest comfort drink from Starbucks, Decaf Soy Latte, for allowing me to relax with a warm cup of you in my hands when the going gets really rough.

new year, new goals

I haven't really been up to writing or anything lately...I haven't had the chance to slow down and breathe for a long long long time, not even during the Christmas break. There was always something to do. And then, there was the cool weather. That also made me a little bit more sluggish than normal. hehehehe

With the new year going (and the Chinese New Year just around the corner), I'd like to make a few notes to myself about what I want to accomplish this year.
1. MBA applications - What happened to those? hahaha I still haven't pushed through with my MBA applications and most importantly, taking the GMAT. I've always feared rejection and I think it's time to make the leap. Well, have to be well prepared before I actually do that though. So, I'm going to start reviewing.

2. Have more courage to express myself - I've always had trouble doing this. Although I am better at writing down my feelings than saying it out loud. But either way, I still suck at self expression. I need to learn to stand up, take a stand rather, and let the world know what I think, and not just say "Yes" to everything.

I really like this quote from U.S. Pres. Barack Obama,"Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek." This quote is going to be my new inspiration to work harder, be stronger, live more, love more and laugh more.

year-ender

So much has happened...maybe a little too much haha either that, or I actually was "living" more this year.

Things have been crazy at times, a little overly hectic, and then, sometimes mundane and boring. There were days I got so stressed that I just wanted to lock myself in my room and curl up and sleep and not care about the world for once. I guess if I had to use one word to explain this year, it'd probably be whirlwind. So much has happened. Most of them unplanned. It is true that the only constant thing in this world is change. Change which proved that I was capable to go through hardships and come out stronger.

Memorable moments of my year 2008 include:
1) finding a new job- This happened earlier this year. Yes, it made me feel more like I had a future. However, the biggest downside would be learning to be extremely careful with what you say to people. Somehow, everybody has a hidden agenda. I now have to practice learning to be "plastic", which is extremely not me. I am the type who is so frank and straightforward. It's just too hard to live behind a mask.

2) I loved and lost. - Yes, I did. Not many people know this. I never brought this up with anyone, except a handful of people. I learned a lot through this though. It hurt a lot when after I asked for space, I found out that I loved him. I love him for his eccentricities, his kindness, his understanding, his dreams, his everything. Although yea, there are some things that he does that totally annoy me. But I love the whole package.

3) being elected as YAD President - This totally came as a surprise as I went to the elections thinking about whom to elect as President. It never went through my mind that I would be the one getting the seat. I hope I will be able to do a good job. The past President's have all been so successful. I have lots to learn, not only from them but also from the Venerables and the Uncles/auntie's as well. I hope that I will be a good leader, but I promise that I will not only lead but be lead as well. We are all in this together, and I wish that we will have more active members that will work together for a bigger and better YAD.First up, I hope everybody's ready for the summer camp next year. We've got loads of fun-filled activities waiting for all our campers this year.

stepping on a glass floor

I've always been careful in everything. I tend to hold back at the last minute, thinking everything over again before making the leap. I think too much about everything. I lack spontaneity. All these are my bad traits, I know that, but somehow I just tend to be uber conservative with my decisions. With love, it was the same thing, I looked at things not just in its' emotional sense, but also the logical. I think long-term. I imagined how it would be if we did end up together. It was not really the life I would expect myself to be in, nor is it the type of family my parents would want me to be marrying into. Not that the family is bad or anything, its just that they're complicated compared to how my family is, which would be easily described as close-knit, warm and caring. Anyway, I chose to let go. It hurt, but I'm surviving. I told myself that this decision would be for the best. But I'm thinking, is this one of those times I held back again? Should I have stayed on a little longer?



____________________
Time has been extremely fast. It's been more than a month since my grandma passed away. The whole family still misses her. I still tear up at times when I think about how this Christmas she won't be beside us. It also hurts that of all the Christmas celebrations, I never thought of taking pictures. Now, all we have are memories in our head and nothing that will actually show us the look on Ama's face when she opened her presents or when she saw us opening ours or when her grandchildren were all receiving ang-pao's from her.

looking back...looking forward

The past month can be summed up with one word...numbness. I think I said this in my previous entry. We were just going through everyday life without really thinking about anything. We were trying really hard to make everything seem normal, but we all can't deny that our lives will never be the same again. The past two weeks has been full of reflection, planning, contemplating, reminiscing and discussing. What are we going to do? Where are we going to go? Questions like that kept on coming up. No one wanted to give an answer to that. It really hurt whenever someone would open that topic. It almost seemed that everyone in the family was going to part ways. The past few days, I've been thinking about pushing through with the GMAT and my MBA applications. I might do part-time study for the first year, so that I will be able to get experience working abroad while I do my studies. I figure that work will be different even with whatever experience I've had here in Manila. Although I admit, working at BoC has been very helpful. It's hectic, but I learn a lot. But seriously, I don't want to be in branch banking all my life. Being a frontliner is fun, but there are times, where interaction can be too much and I just want to be in my own world. I'd still rather be an analyst or do research.


I would like to say thank you to everyone that offered their prayers in this hard time. It helps a lot knowing that people are there for me when I need cheering up.