Mid-year entry

So much has changed this year…I changed a lot, too. I changed my hairstyle(not really changed changed, but I had it rebonded), I transferred to a new job, I’ve begun to explore new things, I’m gaining new experiences, etc. But really, what is it that I want to do? Is it all this that’s been part of my life the past 22 years? Or is it something more? My life has been the same in my 22 years. My family is quite reserved, so there’s not really much room for me to explore or wander…am restricted to just daydreaming about stuff. Is it just because there’s no room for me to fail? Or is it just because I was never given the opportunity to fail? I’ve been so sheltered all my life, that I’ve never known how it’s like to really live. I’ve never had to worry about anything...not exactly anything, I used to worry when it was course card distribution day that I would get a 1.0 or worse, a 0.0 in my course card. But really, that doesn’t really count as a problem compared to what other people go through, right? I’ve always been too careful. I’ve never really given myself a chance to learn how to get out of my comfort zone, to cry, to let go, to fall, to grow up. Yes, that’s what I want to do.

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Memorable events:
1) Was able to catch the farewell run of Avenue Q with Erika last Saturday, June 21. It was wonderfully entertaining. Love how it was presented in a Sesame Street-ish way. The actors were so good, some were even controlling two puppets for the show. I love the songs in the musical, especially the one’s performed in the latter part of the show. They were all so catchy. As of today, I am still humming “It sucks to be me”. Haha

2) I’m no longer confused. I now know what he is thinking. Now, I’m the one that’s confusing him. And for that, I apologize. I like you a lot, but there are just some things that I am not sure of.

stuck

I feel that I'm stuck....stuck in the moment, stuck at the crossroads (even before I get there). I'm so confused. I can't really put a finger on what it is that's making me feel this way. But somehow, I feel that what I'm doing now doesn't really match with my life's long term goals. Then, there are things that are happening that I'm not sure what I really want. It's the long time question that I've been thinking about, career or family? That's the end all and be all of every question thats hanging about my head right now actually. I find the answer to that, and I will have a clear sense of where I want to go then..hopefully.

comfort zones

I've always suffered from self-esteem issues. I totally lacked confdence when I was younger, I felt that I wasn't pretty and that I would never really amount to being someone successful. With that mindset, I kept my chin down when I walk, keeping to myself a lot, staying quiet. I was pretty much a loser back then. haha But then I learned to listen, I just listen. haha I never really know how to react to what another person says. I think I cared too much about what other people thought of me, I still do actually, although not as much anymore.

There were times when I acted like a total pain-in-the-ass though...those were the times wherein people wanted to boss me around and I just wanted to be left alone. I apologized after, but I know that somehow, things will neer go back to what the once were. It's not just people bossing me around, there are some pretty unreasonable people out there, and those I probably won't apologize to. I seem quiet and all, but I also have a patience limit, eh?

I know that deep down, the confidence has always been there, but I was just too shy to bring it out. I was always scared that I might become tactless or be intimidating to others. Yeah...I guess refraining to express myself more made me weak. Now, I'm determined to be more outgoing, be more expressive, have more sense of individuality. First step, I need to get out of my comfort zone...

love

Have been pondering about the highly complex, and extremely confusing topic of love lately. I'm somehow exploring that now, you see. Yeah, I know, I've always been a late bloomer. But then, better late than never, eh? Anyway, I'm trying to figure out if I really like someone. It's just so hard, he does stuff sometimes that on any given day could be endearing or something that would tick me off(if I prefer to think about it) on another day. I know, maybe I'm just being too picky. But hey, we're talking long term relationships here. Really, I'm so confused. Well, he's sending me really mixed signals that I can't seem to figure out too. First few dates, he's like, "I like being single." After a few dates, he doesn't mention that again, and starts talking relationships. I think I'll end it at this until the question mark above my head disappears. hehe

But on my end, I'm not rushing into a relationship yet. I'm still trying to figure out what I want in life. I believe that I still want to have a stable career first before I go into a relationship. Then, I also plan to pursue an MBA abroad, and I don't think that I'm the type to let go of that dream just for a relationship. I'd try my best to maintain both, but I won't let go of one for the other.

monthly roundup?

This is a long overdue post...Haha SO much has happened, at least that's how it feels. Training has been over for a couple of weeks. I pretty much have the account opening process faultless. And I feel my brain capacity has somewhat improved from remembering where every single document or file is placed (or at times, who last borrowed it). Aside from that, I have to remember which client is coming and what his/her name is, lest my boss asks me who the person is and I just stare blankly at him. Getting my brain to work after one year of dullness is extremely hard, but now, I believe the rust has shed off and I'm getting better response from my brain. Haha There are overtimes now and then, but I’m fine with it. At least when I finish my work at the office, I don’t have to think about it after I get home.

Aside from work, had two out of town trips this summer. One was to Japan, which I believe I have already mentioned in my previous post(Sorry, I haven't provided a more detailed account of the trip. Have been too busy.) and the other trip was with my officemates on the company outing to Boracay. I am not really a beach person, but I seem to like the nice, breathtaking, blue water scene in front of me in Boracay. I love the ultra fine, almost powdery, white sand in Station 1. I vow to stay at Station 1, particularly Discovery Shores, the next time I go to Boracay. Haha

Movie reviews naman...Recently saw Forbidden Kingdom recently. Great cast. Liu Yifei was so pretty! She looks better in ancient Chinese dramas than in the modern attire. Aside from the cast, I liked the SFX too. Makeup was also wonderful. I didn't even recognize Jet Li as the Monkey King at first. The script was also funny. The funny lines were mostly delivered by Jackie Chan...as usual. Melvin felt that the ending was pretty bitin. But for me, it was alright. The movie closed well.